Category Archives: Random

My acne problem – first wrong move

My previous complexion isn’t the most perfect like Song Hye Kyo, but I can say  that it was better than average. I used maximum effort to get my skin to be as clear as possible. And, I dreamt of having that glow, dewy look without having to put on make up.

At that time, my house was full of face masks that I can afford to use it daily for at least a few months. And, I was hardworking enough to DIY my own facial package at home. I bought machine (yes, those that are used by legit salon), created my own regime for my face and bear with the excruciating pain of doing the extraction myself.

Ta-daa~ Yes, my efforts paid off. My skin was at least up to my expectation (after doing all these shit). I was contented. But, on a side note, the daily mask application has dried my outer skin alot but I ignored this problem thinking that it’s fine.

HOWEVER, my doom day is nearing and hit on me like a bad storm.

Everyone was raving about the BB cushion from brand “L”. Well, so did I. It creates the effect I was dreaming about, and honestly awesome coverage. I used it, and loving it. It was my favourite foundation at that time. My face was dewy, glowing and perfect. Even though it was a fake perfect complexion, but I don’t care. I feel that it is worth it.

Just less than 5 times of application, I have noticed small bumps forming all over my face. Maybe it was because my skin type, I do get those irritating bumps everytime so I kind of take it too easily and underestimate it’s power. But after using the cushion, the small bumps are obvious, and certainly different that those past ones.

By the way, my skin type was “self-made” combination.

Why do I call it “self-made”?

Because I’ve been masking too much, and the chemical extracts on the sheets have completely stripped off my natural oil on my face and unable to generate enough sebum to balance my skin’s moisture. My face is extremely dry on the outside, and oily at the inside. All the skincare experts that have treated my skin, were shocked about how dry my face was. And, I feel that they are genuinely advising me to do intensive hydration before it’s too late. Not trying to sell me package or something like that.

Apart from the drying, my skin became super sensitive too. Come to think of it, the mask’s liquid was all acidic chemical which I guessed was the reason why it happened. Whatever skincare product I put on my face, it stings my skin and sometimes even cause redness. It was so bad, that my eyes teared a few times. No matter how gentle that product (or it claimed to be) is, nothing works at all. Slowly, even the make up foundation and sunblock I put on my face starting to sting too, especially BB cushion. I know it was ridiculous that I was still insisting on using the foundation. I googled if this is normal, and sadly it is not…

Also, I’ve hive reaction several times on my face which give me the red alert that something is wrong. That’s how dry and sensitive my skin was. Alot worse than you can ever imagine.

Anyways, as I was a stewardess, so make up is a big must for me. Not that I want to look pretty, or I keep going out and have to use makeup to cover up my flaws. I was tight with time, and can’t be running around to look for miracle cure for my problematic skin.

And ya, it was too late.

All those tiny bumps got “angry”, and one by one, they exploded and form big ugly acne. At that time, I was having self-denial that the BB cushion suits my skin alot.. So yeah, it’s entirely my fault. I did try non-comedogenic products, but none of them works.

I think what made my my face so bad is that I am purely suay (aka unlucky). Everything just happened to me at one go, no breaks in between.

  1. The BB cushion obviously doesn’t suit my skin type, and it clogged my whole face with impurities.
  2. I didn’t cleanse and remove the heavy makeup thorough enough, which I thought I did and the dirt keep on accumulating deep inside my pores.
  3. I was having hormone change (my dermatologist told me).
  4. My diet ( I’m not too sure about this part, because I did google and it says actually diet doesn’t play a big part on acne-prone skin).

That’s about it, and I think it is bad enough.

So, I got very big, painful acne all over my skin and I couldn’t continue my previous skincare regime. I know I need to look for a new one.

I did look for dermatologist, which introduced me Accutane. A pill that dry up the sebum on your skin, so it help shrinking stubborn acne faster for a clearer complexion.

And that’s the only pro for eating that pill. The rest is cons.

  • You can’t get pregnant during and at least after 6 months stopping the pill. Can you imagine how strong it is…?
  • Your skin get so dry that no matter how much moisturizer or drinking water will not ease the discomfort. And I drink at least 3 litres of plain water on daily basis fyi.
  • I felt nausea after starting the pill, not sure if this is one of the side effects.

So obviously, I didn’t feel safe to eat the innocent-looking pill. I felt uneasy already when I have to sign the consent form before my doctor can prescribe the pill to me. It just doesn’t feel right, maybe is because this is the first time I sign this kind of document which overwhelmed me. Many thoughts came upon my mind, what if I can’t get pregnant anymore after finishing the course…what if my child development is affected because of this pill? What if, this pill doesn’t work and instead I’m bringing harm to my body.. and so on.

Disclaimer: I wasn’t pregnant during that time, and I was in pink of health.

My airline job is already bad enough for my body, and now adding the pill means another burden and risk. Therefore, I decided that I will finish this supply (about a month) and stop completely because the pills are very expensive fyi. Thankfully, I was still having my training during my pill consumption period so I was able to stop before flying starts. I would rather my face to learn to recover on its own than to let it rely on the pill and get “lazy”. I just think our body is smart, and once it has a substitute, it won’t work so hard anymore.

I’m not kidding, my acne have bothered me the whole 2 years until now, May 2017.

I went for a full skincare regime(1), to just 3 steps(2).

(1) Remove makeup, cleansing, tone, SK-II treatment essence, serum, moisturizer, eye cream, mask

(2) Remove makeup (seldom), cleansing, moisturizer, acne spot treatment

I lost my confidence, and hate to leave house so much. I just want to stay home and hide my face.

After much effort, my face did get alittle better once i stop using all kind of products all at once. Maybe my skin was too sensitive and fragile at that time, that’s why whatever I put on my skin just make it worse no matter how careful I was like looking at label, the ingredients etc.

One fine day, my bloody itchy hands and mind tell me to put on the black peeling mask to extract all the blackheads and dead skin. Yes, the really tight one that all the girls are suffering with the painful plucking they have to go through. I don’t know why I have the confident that things will be alright. And BOOM, my face acted up again. The peeling agitated my skin with too much pressure, the external became dry and oil sebum overdrive. Argh…

Like this one. 

Up till now, I am still pissed with myself for making that decision. The money that I’ve spent, skincare products that I wasted and staying at home to slowly recover everything, just burst into flames. Stupidest decision ever… i want to slap myself. TWICE.

Everything back to square one, and I need to restart my engine again. I am an impatient person, and I feel so miserable having to slowly treat my acne again. Who got time for this right?! But it was because my itchy hand, so I just have to suck it up.

Reboot. I have trialed and error everything, careful of what I put on my face. And keep my areas that touches my face clean, and germ free.

First anti-acne kit I bought.

  • La-Roche Posay gel cleanser for oily and sensitive skin
  • Effaclar DUO (+)

I couldn’t get used to the after-feeling from the gel cleanser at first. I felt a layer stuck on my face, and tough to wash it off. I think is because I like the physical cleansed feeling, which means is not good as it would mean that too much of my natural oil has been washed off. When I use toner to prep my face, I can see dirt on the cotton pad after wiping my face.

The moisturizer isn’t really that bad but I think it didn’t work up to my expectation and spending SGD40 plus for it. My face is still breaking out, even though it has been alot stable compared to when shit has just started. It took a while, to see some noticeable improvements for me. But my face still feel alittle dry, and not being protected enough.

Skincare that worsen my face or didn’t help at all:

  • Clean and Clear foam cleanser
  • Sebamed Anti-bacterial cleansing foam
  • Biore Double Scrub Bright
  • Loreal Paris Hydrafresh Genius series (sleep mask and genius water)
  • Thefacestop White Seed Exfoliating Foam Cleanser
  • Thefacestop Clean Face series

I have wasted alot of money to cure my skin. However, along the way, I gain knowledge just by googling and figuring things out. Now, I know more about my skin as compared to the past, when I was just impulsive and stubborn.

I’ve tried a powder wash Kanebo Suisai Powder wash from Japan, it was pretty good at first but soon I realised it has exfoliated my face too much after a while. So, it is not gentle enough for me, that why I stop.

After much adjustment with my skincare routine, now my skin is the oily type and not combination anymore.

I suppose my skin has always been oily from the start. Because I remember when puberty just hit me, I will keep washing my face to keep the oil away. Only when I start my crazy mask application, my skin became combination.

Current skin care products

Maybe it was fate, that I came upon this brand called: Crystal Moist.

I don’t want to exaggerate and rave about this brand, but I think this is decent with a good price. I use their balancing toner, milk essence and moisturizing gel for my day care. The price for each product is around SGD 11-20, and is worth trying out for their skin hydration care. Cheap and good.

The hydration effect is up to my expectation, and my face isn’t having any major breakouts after using it for a month. It calms my skin (surprisingly), and I don’t feel the heavyweight that most of the other skincare products have after putting on my face. Maybe it will not be the best product in the world, but this brand works for me. Thankfully.

Even tho the Loreal Paris genius water isn’t working for me, but I am using their White Perfect Clinical Anti-Spot Derm White Essence, and Overnight Treatment Cream for my night care. And it’s not bad at all. I bought it because I want to lighten my acne scars/marks. Plus, it always state that I can get my money back if it is not effective. hehe, so why not? I think I have wasted enough money…

Anything that doesn’t irritate my skin and cause breakout, is considered good enough. Now, I am grateful that my face don’t go crazy again.

My acne spot treatment is Oxy-10 spot cream, another cheap and good item. One bad thing about this spot cream is that it may burn your skin causing a dark mark when you apply too much on your acne spot, because this has happened to me. So, little by little at a time will be the best.

I still put on makeup, but with more cautious thanks to all the acne scars and marks. Concealer I am using Oxy Cover acne pimple, but it is a BIG MUST that it has to be used after apply my pimple cream. If not, I will definitely see another bump again the next day.

Oh ya, I am using the Bright Ion + CC cream from Crystal moist too. I am super surprised that this brand creates such a suitable CC cream for my face. I know the mistake i have made last time, but this is the only time I didn’t regret for trying out CC cream. I’m not too sure if is the ion + substance that is working for me or is the ingredients in their creation complement the nutrient that I need. But, this CC cream is light and hydrating. Even for me, the extreme oily skin type person, don’t feel discomfort at all after applying it.

I remember when my face was in a mess, I feel my skin dry out faster than average person. I have tried Loreal Paris True Match foundation (24H Hydration), it is good but I still feel my face clog after a while.

For cleanser, I have read an article once suggesting acne-prone sufferers to try double cleansing. The most important point, is the cleanser has to be extremely gentle. And after suggested by Mr. Google, I have learnt the most gentle ones are milk cleanser from Loreal. 

I know most people use it as makeup remover. But for me, I created a wash routine for myself. Daytime I will just use milk cleanser and massage for a while to make sure impurities and sebum to melt away. Night time, I will use the milk cleanser and La-Roche Posay gel cleanser for my double cleansing, then follow my skincare routine.

To speed up my recovery, I am taking the 21st Century Anti Acne supplement. I don’t know if it is helping my face, the result is unknown but I just want to finish my first bottle no matter what.

I did try to reduce my intake of processed sugar and diary products. Actually, I think that those are unhealthy generally, not just for people with acne problem. So reducing it does help, and taking water do keep your body in a good shape.

Maybe my face isn’t suitable for expensive treatments but at least I’m on the right track now. I just want to jot my bad experience somewhere so that incase anything happen, I know where I can read up and get back my motivation.

I have realised that expensive skincare products do not mean that it is good as well. As long as the product help you improve your skin, price doesn’t matter. Cheap doesn’t mean it is bad.

Just incase, the products that I have bad reviews with don’t mean that it is bad on its own. It may do good for you, but is just unsuitable for me unfortunately. And those good ones, are just my thoughts after trying it because my face is very hard to take care with.

 

Cheers,

Freakfeelings

 

 

 

 

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I’m glad I still have this little space…

It has been so long since I decided to switch on my old laptop. A year, or two maybe? I’m not too sure, but I do miss the typing of my keyboard.

I’m surprised after all these while, I haven’t lost my touch yet, of moving my fingers with eyes at the screen. When I remember, last time I will take out my textbook and practice typing because I feel that my speed is too slow. Hardworking, isn’t it.. for nothing. My sisters thinking I have too much time in my hands. Literally. Get it…?

Sigh… ( I did let out a sigh when I was typing this four alphabets out.)

Life, makes me so exhausted. Something happened at home, make me see another side of life. All my past ranting about work, food, society aren’t that important anymore. I’ve experienced something I never thought I would. Nothing is more important that what I can cherish now. And, I hope time can stop clicking for me, just once. To let me figure out my perfect next step, and make everything last forever.

I used to anticipate the future, unknowing what will happen next sometime excites me. But not now. Fearing to know what will fate bring me in my future, thinking about the past and laughing how stupid I was to allow people to step over me.

Letting people make used of me, belittling me, thinking insults as jokes, forgiving people too easily, devaluation of myself, friends over family. Bull fucking shits.

I see enlightenment of many things, many that I didn’t bother to look in closely last time. Thinking, nah they meant the best for me… or not? I’m not too sure now.

I feel that society has twisted so many meanings that we thought it is normal to be the bad guys. It made me start to wonder, what is the true meaning and what is the grey zone.. Is it right, who does that, why they allow them to do this and etc.

I just feel so twisted and unfortunate to be living in this era, really. People feel proud that older generation couldn’t enjoy the advanced technology, or couldn’t take cool photos to upload in social medias. Couldn’t enjoy the new definition of high life, or finding ways to attract viewers to become Miss/Mr Popularity. Finding all kinds of absurd ways to fight a snippet in the cyber space.

I beg to differ.

People now are going crazy. They don’t see a problem with the current World .

Up till now, I can’t find the right word to describe my thought. It is stuck in my throat, like a bad phlegm. Can’t cough it out.

Honestly, I envy how things used to were. People enjoying the days they are living, doing things that are meaningful. And obviously, way healthier. I don’t see people falling sick, or dying young with terminal illnesses. I don’t see them slapping people in the public for nothing. I don’t see explosions anywhere out of a sudden. I don’t see people falling into depression and kill themselves.

Life was so peaceful back then.

Now, everything is going wrong. Yet, no one sees a problem with it. They are like patients in asylum, living in their own world.

No one is thinking that all those weird weathers, increase in natural disasters, extincting animal species, crime rates, man-made disasters are hints of a tragedy getting ready to happen. People hitting tabloid with the wrong reasons, and travelers embarrassing themselves in foreign land. And, they care more about the likes on social media, making money and escaping from reality. Everything is wrong.

Ugly is becoming the new beauty. Sadly.

It has disgusted me from inside out. Selfish is an understatement.

Friends and colleagues aren’t acting like the meaning in Oxford dictionary, families all eyes on their phones screen at home. Am I too narrow-minded?

I don’t think so.. Which makes me want to get out this superficial bubble. I don’t want all these to bother me, or staining me with their negativity. I hold firmly to what is really most important for me, and I thank time for letting me see the light.

My only wish now, is not for World Peace. I’m not participating in pageant. But is, for my family to stick with each other, healthy and blissful. Simple wish that need big efforts to come true…

 

 

Cheers,

Ayeannjee

 

First conversation. 

When a person asks you about your occupation,

“Oh, I drive a Mercedes but it’s a company car. So I don’t own it.”

VS

“Oh, I’m a driver for SBS bus.”

See the different ways we can describe a same occupation, as well as the heaven and earth miles judgement you’re giving the person..?

Well, to make it simple, people always judge so always has a really good start. Not say good or bad, or belittling on the Social Status. But yes, people tend to be shallow in the first place. It is just human nature, and nothing can change it. I have never believed when a person tell me that they don’t even judge a tiny bit, to me this means that he/she hasn’t been listening in the first place. Aka; they don’t care.

Sometimes, I think people are taking the word “Judge” too seriously. Hello, it can be either positive or negative, or just purely neutral. So, why so serious~?

I’m not afraid to admit tho. Even a person’s natural vibes will affect me. I don’t like talking to extremely negative people, because i know sooner or later they will run me down. Yes, I can be really friendly, but very selective. Recently, i learn this phrase “An Introvert doing Extrovert things”. Perfect description.

Whenever I just meet a stranger, of course we will have those what-you-are-doing-now kind of mandatory conversations. (Very, very boring) How the person talk about themselves, and how do they portray their exterior beauty is really important. All those heart-to-heart and  being transparent are part of the later story. I’m not referring to arroganance and assumption, but passion and keeping their life together. It is like a silent definition of yourself on the way you want to lead your life. And, I am a strong believer that once you are truly happy, people can feel it. Negative people just look very gloomy, and act like one too.

However, in every conversation, I always hated this question the most,” what do you like to do during your free time?”

Not only between friends, but apparenty employers love to be nosy as well. Worse still, studies even show that what you like to do during your free time show a lot about yourself. If you just referring to first sight, is this even logical…?

Come on, I can have my good and bad “free time” days. So, if im feeling great, of course the day will gonna be awesome even just by doing nothing. If i am grumpy, do you think i can still be jumpy and cheerful?

I mean, I can mention all kinds of interesting hobbies and bullshit my way through. Isn’t this defeating the purpose? I give you what you want to hear, but not what you need to have. One example, you buy a really cool gadget with the best word-packaging ever, but you open up and it turns out pretty lousy. You don’t get what you see. Get it? *roll eyes*

Plus, I always feel it plays an important part to know the person bit by bit. No matter how much a person can fake it in the first place, their true self will appear in time to come.

Anyways, why do this happen, and infact so frequently….? Superficial lor…

But then, passion and hobby is different thing. Remember that. You can have the best hobby ever, but that don’t speak a lot about yourself. However, passion is a powerful thing. You get the glow and positive vibes. And, to top it up with a cherry, you’re inspiring. Wow right… 😊

By the way, no one really cares about their first conversation. I don’t know for some people, but I just realise that I don’t. You know, this is one thing about straightforward bitch. The words just come out as the conversation flows, so basically equal to: No Content. Normally, that’s what happened to everyone, you just mingle for the sake of it and depends whether you guys will keep in contact. Up till now, I haven’t had any deep impression of first conversation with anyone before. Or, maybe is because I choose not to remember. (Don’t see the need to.)

Well, how do you expect a person to pour out everything on first meeting..? If he/she does, one is that she got friend issues; two is she tell everyone her issues. Not good. Of course, it is all depends on at-the-moment feeling. If you feel right, by all means, I believe even a person with the record breaking lowest EQ knows the difference.

First conversation is just like an interview to determine of you will welcome the stranger into your life. You can sense the siren alert when something feels wrong. So is either fist pump, or you block Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and sever all ties. (Now we have so much social media to fool around with, no wonder everyone turn to cyber friends instead.)

Some talk for the sake of talking, some talk for the sake of genuinely wanting to know the person. I’m a little of both. Or maybe, I should say I’m still waiting for someone that can surprise me. Good surprises of course, that makes me feel excited to welcome him/her.

Regardless friends or relationships. Things will fall nicely in place, so don’t worry. (I do believe this saying because it just happened to me recently.)

Best feeling ever.

Signing off,

Ayeannjee

Fuck you, life

Is life fair… No, it sucks and love toying people around. 

You know, sometimes you question yourself, why is life so unfair. 

It seems like a typical drama script, but wait till you have encountered a true life story. 

For a husband, that dote on his wife so much. For a father, that always give the best to his children. For a man, that has the simplest wish.  And, for a stranger, that always show his concern with little words,” have you eaten?” 

He do not have the highest education, like other modern families, but is a lifelong learner. He scrimp and save, work day and night, to give his family the best life possible. I’ve never heard a word of complaint while knowing him 10 years and counting. From a stranger, year by year, to giving him a nickname.  I hate myself to become a coward, after knowing, and hiding because of the stupidest reason. I want to slap myself so badly, for not able to hold back. I want him well. Is that too much to ask for…? 

Can you imagine the heaviness when finally everything has fallen in place, but now missing one puzzle piece? His hard work paid off, and his biggest wish seems nearing in time to come. A little more, and he can enjoy the calming sea breeze. That’s his secret pastime. Now, so near yet so far, so close yet so hard to reach. 

He loves to joke, always entertaining his family with those jokes he heard on radio FM. He is understanding, not just to his own loved ones. He is a simple man, absolutely family guy. No matter what, he is the pillar. Whenever I go over, he is there. Always there. 

Somewhat, recently I realized when I’ve started to get comfortable with his presence. He is not just an uncle, but the uncle. One, that will wrench my heart to see his tired face. Just like how I will feel for my own father. One, that I’ll hope to see his everlasting wrinkled happy face. One, that I will pray for him the best, wholeheartedly. 

When future seems so fine, now become so blur. When his longing happiness is on its way, now become a battle race. 

When everything is becoming perfect, now has appeared a black scar. 

As much as I hate how fucked up the life has did to him, I pray for miracle to happen. Please, at least, until his wish come true. 

Hoping for the best, 

Ayeannjee

Disgusting

This whole world has become so disgusting, absolutely nauseous. 

No one can be trusted, eagle eyes are everywhere waiting for your downfall. 

Too masked, too nice, too disappointing, too unpredictable. 

Person beside you may have the most evil thought, but smiling most widely. Hurting you in a civilized way, too well trained. 

Can’t get a single shit out of my mind, am guilty of all thoughts that came into my mind.