Monthly Archives: October 2013

She.

There is always one person in your life that will affect your life in one way or another.

Same goes for me.

I have met fairly enough people that i can easily point out a few that leave a deep impression inside me, regardless good or not.

I have met my life partner (Thankfully). She has been with me from Secondary till now. We have been through Ups and Downs (literary), and survived through the 7 golden years of friendship to last a lifetime.

Nope, she is not a lesbian. (even though she look like one no matter how much change she has made)

Our starting story may be somehow different from the others. We are not the best of friends among four of us. Li Young and Jia yan. At a point of time, i hated her. Well, i believe she did hate me before too.

In school, we were always at loggerheads over minor stuffs. Stupid issues. However, whenever we had a fight, there is something in me to hold on to this friendship.

We had one really big fight. Both of us cried. Again, because of a very minor stuff. My bad temper caused it all to happen.

Well, I think that our classmates will not expect us to last as friends until now. However, I am really very grateful to have her in my life.

Our relationship is kind of lesbian-ish (in a good way, of course). Passers-by will surely mistake us as gays dying to show the world how loving we are. Maybe is just me, always seeking comfort by hugging her to let myself know that everything’s gonna be alright. At least, you know that there is someone there to lean your shoulder on.

We bitch, we rant and we make stupid jokes.

Recently, i was feeling super down as i couldn’t get over what a person did to me. I didn’t tell her, but she feel it somehow. She cheered me up in her own crazy jasmine’s way. My entire week was so awesome.

Even though i didn’t say much, but i was thankful.

I will never feel bored of going to look for her 3 days in a row.

There is saying goes,” A friendship lasted for more than 7 years will last for a lifetime.”

I know we can. I have not been so assured in my life about anything before, but this i will put my life at stake to bet for it.

I admit i hasn’t been a good soulmate to her.

She is more of the tougher one, and i am the softer one. She is the more dirty-minded one, and i am the more bitchy one. She is the more homely one, i am the more nightlife one. She is the more sporty one, i am the more lazy one. And last but not least, she is the taller one and i am the shorter one.

Well, the last one sucks. Cause at first, i was the TALLER one!

Being with crazily different personalities, we still have endless topics to talk about.

Moving on.

She can cook awesomely well. In fact, i was super impressed when i tasted her cooking skills for the first time. I have a high standard in home-cooked meals cause my mom is a culinary expert. She may not be on par with my mom, but i can say she scored decently well in my heart.

I has been a bad friend. Cause once, i accidentally forgot i got an outing with my friends. We were supposed to go SEA Aquarium, but had to last min call it off.

I promise you. We will be there. Speedy soon.

She always makes me really happy, but nobody believes that she is a joker. She is way funnier than i do, and the best person you can ever find on earth.

She brought light into my life, and led me to open to new things. If not, i don’t think that i got the courage to step out of my comfort zone.

Some people are meant to be a stepping stone in your life.

Some people are meant to be a scar in your life.

Some people are meant to be a motivator in your life.

Some people are meant to be your love in your life.

She is none of the above.

She is the other half of me. One that cannot be separated. Till then, only death do us part.

 

 

Till death do us part,

Freakfeelings

Sudden flashback of my tarot reading

People says that any readings you had before shouldn’t be disclosed to a 3rd party.

Some even told me that the predictions won’t come true if you spill the beans.

After much thinking, I was like:’ Forget it, just let it out. Got to be YOLO.’

Alright, i have to admit. I will not jot down everything that the tarot reader has told me. Just some of it that I think is fine to share.

Okay, the narration part.

I was walking along the Ngee Ann and TAKA building with Elysia when we saw a guy sitting at a corner.

We got curious and realised that he is into tarot reading.

Okay, he is a little bit talkative. Side tracked for awhile and back to topic.

I am not really a tarot reading person. However, I do have interest once during teen years. I think that was the first time i got someone to do an actual fortune-telling for me.

It  was quite interesting.

He told me that we are not allowed to touch the cards. He will choose the cards instead of us choosing it.

So, i asked about my career. 

He asked me a question:’ have you ever thought of studying overseas before?’ 

Yes, this is true. Cause once i was thinking of pursuing my studies overseas, but it didn’t happen. My sis talked me out of it. 

i cannot totally recalledof what he had said, but he told me that the card indicate that someone is leaving.

Mmmhmm, no comment.

Oh, i remembered. He asked me another question;’ Is your boss expecting you to work for long?’

I said:’ Ya. We did talk about it before’

He gave me the weird look again.

He told me that the people in my workplace are expecting me to leave any sooner. Also, I do not have much career advancement in my current job. 

This doesn’t affect me so much, One, I am still young so it isn’t that shocking if i quit. Secondly, i don’t even find it logical to expect that i will crave out my career in this new industry that i had no much experience on. 

He do give suggestions too, that i should work in those kind of jobs that involves creativity. 

Mmhmm, no comments.

Okay okay, i know i am being a big bastard for keeping things in suspense. However, some things are not meant to be said right?

So next, i asked about my love life. i mean, there is nothing much to ask for tarot reading when you are looking for a certain answer. So, i decided to hear how it goes.

Well, he said that i won’t be getting into a relationship for the next 2 years.

No worries for this at all. For a girl who hasn’t been in relationship at all for 21 years, i don’t see any difference with another additional few more years. So yeah, i accept that.

Speaking of this, i find it so weird. Oh, i went Bangkok during Sept and visit a Master in a temple near the Lotus supermarket.

The Master told me that i should be expecting a relationship soon next year.

So, let’s see how predictable are they yeah?

However, both of them asked me the same thing;’ You have a boyfriend right?’

“Erm, no?”

So they told me that there is seem to be this one guy in my life now whom i am being emotionally connected with.

I wonder who is that. Hmmm…?

Anyways, I feel that tarot reading is a good experience for you. However, please don’t ever get addicted to it. You can be curious, but don’t take everything to your heart. i mean, these are all predictions. They are not God you see, to control your life and fate.

Well, i do find fortune telling quite fun and don’t mind doing it again.

 

 

My fate and life prediction,

Freakfeelings

 

Does crying really helps?

When I was young, I’ve always been a crybaby.

Even the slightest thing will make me cry very very hard, regardless i was happy or sad. 

I remember once when i watched “Lilo and Stitch” for the first time, i cried so hard till i was breathless. My eyes were so puffy, and felt so tired.

However, as i grow up, i have started to cry lesser and lesser.

Not that i am trying to be tough or put on a strong front, just is because i feel that crying is pointless. It is wasting your time, and letting yourself to be stuck in the sad past.

Not only that, i hate the after effect of crying. Dry and puffy eyes, lethargic, breathless and feeling stupid. 

Maybe is because of my family.

My family background is unlike those whose parents will show their love to their children with kisses and praises. I have never experienced a kiss from my parent before, or hearing them say’ I love you, my darling’.

They show their love and appreciation to me through actions, not just words.

Same goes to my sisters, i can easily count with my hand of the times i have seen them crying. Well, i think is the gene in my family that tears don’t flow down easily in the Ang-Neo family.

Some told me that crying help to vent out the anger and unhappiness inside you. After that, you will feel better and easier to move on.

I beg to differ.

I feel that crying will become a habit. A bad habit, that you will opt to whenever shits happen.

Like i’ve said earlier, i cried for almost everything. To get things my way, watching dramas, angry, sad and etc…

Okay, I admit that i was a spoiled child when i was younger.

For example, when i was young, i always wanted to get snacks while out with my mom. My mom said no, i would start wailing and throw tantrum. Sometimes, my mom will give in. Or, i should say, most of the times. (I’m such a bitch. Yucks)

So, ever since then, i knew that things will go in my way once i cry. And, i became the worst child ever that all parents will want to avoid.

Oh, another incident. Just started my schooling in kindergarden, and i hate it so much. So, during the first few days (i think), i kept on crying and yelling for not wanting to be in school.

The teacher had no choice but to advise my mom to bring me home. I still remember i got the cheeky smile on me. Yeah, like seriously…

So, i used this tactic again after the next few days. My mom got so angry that she just left without turning back.

I sat on the floor, and kept on crying. Oh gosh, it was so damn embarrassing.

Well, i cannot recall what happened after that. However, i am pretty sure that i should be being brought back into the class by my form  teacher.

Anyways, i was really the worst nightmare that my parents can ever have in their life.

Yeah, even though i hated myself for being such an asshole, but these examples have proven my point. “To make things go in your way”

Or maybe, i starting to hate this hypocrites that make use of crying to get attentions from people.

One incident i will never forget is during my primary school, around 10 or 11 years old.

I can remember every single details. So here goes…

You know like there is always the “Clique” thing in school, whereby you mix around with classmates that you are comfortable with. So, i was with this group of girls and go around doing crazy things.

There is one particular girl, whom i sort of hate her. First, she is wayang and ALWAYS CRYING.

I think even an ant die, she will start her drama crying. *Roll eyes*

Okay, we were late for our lesson after recess. You can imagine a group of crazy girls with messy hair flying around dashing across the hall way back to class before the teacher reaches.

So, we settled down when we reached. I was minding my own business and daydreaming when THAT WAYANG GIRL suddenly came up to me and stepped my shoes.

I was like,:” WTF! are you crazy?”

Especially, at that time, i just bought my new pair of white coloured school shoes. How dare she step on it. I am still pissed when i thought of this.

She just maligned me that i tripped her over while we were running, and ignored her.

My temper was fucking bad at that time, so i confronted her. I think i was totally in my own world that i didn’t even realised that my chinese teacher came in.

Then she started crying. I didn’t, cause i was super mad at that time.

Oh ya, it was my favourite chinese teacher cause he always doted on me. He was funny and comical. Always making us (or, at least me) to enjoy his lesson throughout.

Moving on. She started crying, but i got so mad that i didn’t stop quarrelling with her.

The chinese teacher came up to us, and asked us to stop. I think i was crazily mad, and ignored him. And, i don’t understand why he wanted to raise his hands and slap me. Until now, i just cannot get it at all.

Anyways, i went back to my seat and glared at the girl during the whole lesson.

I can remembered myself saying this;” Always use crying to attract attention. So fake.”

Anyways, that was the past.

No point getting angry for nothing. However, can see that how bad tempered i was. Even in primary school.

Maybe that was the spark point that makes me hate crying so much.

Alright, got to go. Bye!

 

 

Signing off,

Freakfeelings

 

Weight Issue

Finally, i am going to touch on this topic.

I always have weight issue. ALWAYS.

From young till now, I always has been concerned about my weight. Not matter how hard i try dieting, weight doesn’t seem to go down.

You know when you read about those article saying that “weight is just a number”. I believe that people are just trying to look for excuse that to deny the fact that they are chubby or even fat.

And, articles that say that “Weight loss without even dieting or excercise”. This is bullshit. Major bull shiat!. How the hell you can lose weight without dieting or work your ass out?

I mean, it’s whether you do either one or both. There is no easy way out to lose weight.

Okay, i am lazy. Damn fucking lazy. So, i will always choose dieting over exercising. Cause i always think that exercising is just building up your muscles and makes you look bulky.

Well, for my case. I do.

Whenever i decided to get my ass up and start exercising, i feel sore all over and think that i look ‘bigger’ than i used to.

I tried alot of way to lose weight. Serious.

The apple diet, which is to just eat apples and nothing else. This is the worse. I have never felt so disgusted with apples before in my life. It will makes your crave for more food and your mood will turn fucking bad,

The no carbo diet, which is to totally cut off on your carbo intake. Eating just protein and veggies. Okay, this isn’t that bad. However, i do realised that im starting to have the urge to eat rice or bread (my fav fattening food) during that period. 

And the vegetarian diet. I am a meat lover. So, cutting off meat is like slow way of killing me. In the end, major indulgence of meat which makes me give up. 

Wait, i think i should jot down all my favourite food.

In fact, i eat almost everything.

I have a major sweet tooth. Dessert makes me happy, literally. My mood will instantly lift up when i see dessert or pastries.

I love bread and rice. Except for noodles. My love for bread is too overwhelming. I can eat bread all day long, cause they just take so damn good. As for rice, i am still on good term with it. However, i do like fried rice with lots of egg bits. Too good to be true.

Well, thankfully, i like to eat veggies. Not raw one, but those stir-fried kind. Especially broccoli and cauliflowers. I can finish  one whole plate myself.

Chocolates are my biggest frenemy. Like Pod mars, toffee, twix and etc. However, i don’t really like full chocolate bars. Those kind which is only have chocolates but no toppings or whatsoever. Too heavy for me.

So up till now, you can see that all my favourite food are damn fucking fattening. Heavy on carbo, fats and sugar.

All these are like a big no-no for weight loss plan.

Okay okay, i got really skinny once a few years back. My weight was 47kg. And, people were shocked about how much weight i have lost.

My sister commented i was too skinny, and i should stop losing weight.

My friends told me my head became  “too big” for my body size.

Some even thought i was an anorexic.

At that time, i eat almost nothing. Something like an extreme weight loss diet. I ate breakfast which was may a slice of wholemeal bread. I will combine my lunch and dinner together. Which is like just an apple or soybean milk. So, in a day, my calories intake is obviously less than 1200.

Plus, i was quite determined at that time. Out of nowhere. I remembered it was once i was taking MRT train back home, and i decided not to eat for dinner. Ever since after that, unknowingly i began my ‘dieting’ plan.

When i was outside with friends, i will tell them that i will not be eating. Or, i will just order a bowl of soup. But normally, you will give in when your friends just keep asking you to share the food, but i didnt at that time. i was being persistent and just had a soup for myself. Nothing else.

Well, i did slim down. By a lot in fact. However, i did not reach my goal of weighing 45kg.

Cause i got tired of losing weight, and decided to go back on my normal diet.

It was predictable, my weight came back. And now is maintaining at around 51-52kg?

Of course i missed the days when i felt lighter and able to fit most of the clothes. You know the disappointment when a shirt was quite loosen at that time, and now has become tighten?

I was damn fucking sad about this.

Also, when the clothes that you thought you will look okay to fit in but become weird cause your butt and tummy started to expand?

Yeah, this feeling sucks.

Well, i am trying to get over with it. However, you will hear comments here and there. Maybe they do not say it on purpose, but you will somehow get that you are no longer the skinny bitch that you used to be.

The feeling of being scared when you step on the weighing scale, and not wanting to see the numbers showing. The feeling when the number is increasing and seems like it is not going to stop.

Fuck shit.

i do not know whether i am able to go back to being 47kg. However, i feel guilty cause i am not even trying.

I have tried eating salad for my lunch and cut down intake for my dinner. However, you will start to think that “why the hell are you going through all these for?”

You can opt for your favourite food, or at least something that is tastier. Why are you treating yourself like a rabbit and eat veggies all day long?

Yeah, my mind was being so screwed up.

You know, sometimes i cannot believe i have been through the extreme dieting case. I think it is the first time i held on and succeed with what i wanted to do.

Now, when i asked about my body size.

Once, my sis sort of broke my heart regarding my size. She asked whether her thigh is big, and i just replied about the same as me. She jumped ” Huh, you thighs have became so thick like yours?”

And you know people will make jokes about my weight gain. I looked like i don’t give a shit, but deep inside i was quite sad.

Plus, there is always been some idiots out there trying to put you down. I ignore this shitty assholes, not even worth a second of my attention.

However, i find it weird that how come some celebrities still can look so fabulous with their big size figure?

ya, like i said. CELEBRITIES. They will have this charm in them that attractive people, no matter they are huge or chubby. When they are fat, fans will go:” i love curvy figures.”

When they are chubby, fans will go:” OMG, SHE IS SO CUTE THAT IM GONNA DIEEEE”

Sadly to say, some bastards out there will be commenting when a celebrity gained alot of weight. Like those paparazzi, disgusting.

Sometimes, i cannot help to wonder if they have feel inferior of their body size before? How have they got over it?

And life love to play tricks on people.

Guys want to build up and get fatter.

Girls want to lose weight and slim down. 

And, i am so jealous of girls who can’t seem to gain weight no matter how much they eat. You know i do know some girls have enormous fatty diet, but still as skinny as a bamboo. 

I feel like cutting up their body, and study their digestive system. (okay, i know i sound like a psycho here). 

So, that’s about it. 

 

 

Hope i can overcome this soon,

Freaksfeelings